so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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