At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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