Too much gin, very little bucket
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
