I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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