I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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