You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
