Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize