I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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