so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
