Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize