I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
