You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
