And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
