It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
