No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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