So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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