Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
