Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
