My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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