Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
