Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
