i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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