I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize