youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
