my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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