just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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