Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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