i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
