at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
