I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
