I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
