My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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