I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
