It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
