last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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