they need to just BURY HIM!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A bitchslap is in order.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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