Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize