Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
