oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
