i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
