New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
