True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
