new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
