Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
