is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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