How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
