how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
