sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She bit a glass in half.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
