After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We need a shit load of segways right now
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize