I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
