My hand turned me down
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
