my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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