she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
