I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
