Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
