i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize