I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize