his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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