Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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