You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize