I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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