Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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