If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
