I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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