so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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