imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
