bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
